Families Are Frazzled: Highlights from Our “Parental Burnout is Real” Series

Highlights from Our “Parental Burnout is Real” Series

I recently posted an infographic series on Instagram about Parental Burnout to heighten awareness about what it is, why it matters, and what we can do about it.

Here it is - all in one place - in case you missed it. There’s so much more that could be said about this topic, but sometimes getting information in little bites is the easiest way to take it in. Now more than ever, parents are feeling extra pressure.

Please share with any parents, caregivers or professionals you know who could use this.

Sending heartfelt wishes of wellness through this pandemic,

Kendra

What It Is

Parental Burnout - a specific condition resulting from enduring exposure to chronic parenting stress. It is characterized by an overwhelming exhaustion, an emotional distancing from one’s children, and a sense of parental ineffectiveness.

I met parental burnout before it had a name. But it had to hit me over the head to get noticed. If you had asked me how I was doing before that, I would have said, “I’m fine.” … And I believed it.

That's what we do. We give to depletion without realizing our superhero intentions can backfire. Running on survival overdrive is a habit that can seem manageable -- until it creeps up on you.

 We hear a lot about job burnout. Healthcare workers, firefighters, and teachers all run into it. But Parental Burnout is the kind of burnout we don’t talk about. In a culture of “I-can-do-it-all” perfection, we don’t want to admit when parenting is hard.

The pressure cooker of this global Covid19 pandemic has suddenly brought parental burnout into the light. I want to keep it shining bright.

Parental burnout is its own thing. It has specific characteristics unique to parenting. And it can lead to harmful outcomes for both parent and child.

Why It Matters: Signs and Symptoms

Many parents say they learned about burnout “the hard way”.  But the toll of meeting it that way can cause serious harm to parents AND kids.

ANY parent can burn out. When you reach the absolute end of your rope, good intentions can fall by the wayside. Suddenly you’re not the parent you want to be. You may not even recognize yourself.

This pandemic pulled the rug out from under us. Some of us were feeling intense pressure even before. Having our kids at home 24/7 without respite or in-person support is a seismic shift. If you’re also trying to carry on work responsibilities from home, you have yet another layer.

Now more than ever, we need to be aware so we can take care.

Watch for signs of depression or lowered mood, addictive behaviors, sleep disruption or increased conflict with your partner. If you have fantasies of opting out or find yourself neglecting or abandoning your children, it could also be a sign.

Serious warning signs can include thoughts of suicide and acts of violence towards family members.

Trademarks of Parental Burnout are overwhelming exhaustion, feeling ineffective as a parent and emotionally distant from your child.

The scariest thing is that burnout prevents us from showing up for our kids. Our emotional presence is what leads to the healthiest outcomes.

Risk Factors: What to Look Out For

Any parent can burn out, but some of us are more susceptible than others.

Here are the risk factors to be aware of:

• Perfectionism - Do you hold yourself to super high (aka impossible) standards? No one can do it all.

• Tendency towards anxiousness – Are you more of a worrier than an easy- goer?

• Low confidence in capabilities – Do you feel like you’re not qualified for your parenting role - like you’re in over your head?

• Emotional inflexibility – Is it hard for you to adjust to changes and challenges? Do you get angry or frustrated quickly?

• Lack of support – Do you get enough emotional support? If have a partner who isn’t on the same page or you’re a single parent, you might feel like you’re on your own.

• Child has extra / special needs – If you have children who have special needs or other emotional, developmental, or physical issues, who require extra time and attention, the pressure can be even more intense. Parents in this club are already known to have higher levels of stress, anxiety, depression and more.

• Work demands can also put us at higher risk of burning out. Trying to work at home while caring for kids is difficult on a good day. And if you’re considered an essential worker who has to leave your kids in the care of others, it can be even harder.

If you were already under too much pressure and feeling wiped out, Covid-19 hasn’t helped.

If you see yourself in any of these risk factors, don’t despair. You can protect yourself and your family from burnout. Next up we’ll be sharing strategies to help you make a shift.

What can Help You Protect & Restore?

Did you see the Signs of Burnout survey? (It wasn’t scientific, just an Insta- query, but still.) Everyone who responded said yes could relate to the signs of burnout. 100% - Yikes!

It's time to make a shift. No matter how hard things are, you CAN. Tiny steps add up. Your well-being matters - - for the whole family.

Here's an overview of what can help:

CHECK IN - Start right where you are. How are you doing - really? Acknowledge what's hard. Give yourself permission to pay attention to what YOU need. Caring for yourself is a foundational part of caring for your kids.

REVIVE - Think about what matters most and take the rest off your plate. Focus on essentials first, like drinking enough water, breathing deeply, and prioritizing sleep. Any micro steps you take to replenish your energy will pay off. Humor helps too.

CONNECT - We were never meant to do this alone. If you don't have a village, create a support system for yourself. Finding just one other parent or friend who will listen without judging can be a lifeline. Tap into your community and search online to find what you need. There are so many resources out there. You really are not alone. And look for ways to find grounding and meaning. Take a walk outside, stare at the sky, think of reasons to be grateful even if they're small.

REFRAME - Parenting is hard no matter what. Go easier on yourself. Grant yourself the grace to make mistakes. You are perfectly imperfect. Nobody can do it all. And consider how you look at things. A different lens can change how you perceive and respond to tough situations. Focus on what you can control, rather than trying to change your child or the circumstances. Emphasize your strengths, tap your child's too.

UNWIND - We forget that letting go can be as powerful as doing. Take moments to tune in to your body. Notice what you're thinking and feeling and let those observations just be. See if you can soften into them. And notice what's happening around you. Cultivate wonder. Find things that are beautiful, unexpected, awesome.

 Every micro shift counts. We're here to encourage you.

Tiny Steps - “Micro-actions” - Can Make a Difference

We're on the home stretch of our Parental Burnout series. This is the good stuff. Now we're talking about what we can DO about it.

In case you haven't been following: Stress and burnout isn't just an epidemic in the working world. It's happening to parents. And that means children are being impacted in serious and sad ways.

Good parents with good intentions can still burn out. Working harder to less effect is exhausting. Nobody can be their best when they're running on stress.

Sometimes the struggle can feel like a swirl taking you away. But inside a hurricane, there is an eye of calm.

If you can find that center of peace and strength, you can keep going - in a more sustainable and healthier way. 

Taking tiny steps is the answer. When an airplane changes its vector by one degree, it ends up in a very different place. The same is true for us.

In the next few days we'll be highlighting some simple science-backed actions you can take - any time, any place - to feel better now. We call them micro-actions.

Write one (just 1!) that speaks to you on a Post-it and call it your self-care starter plan.

Pretty soon you'll want to do more because you'll notice the difference. And your family will thank you. 

Self-Compassion Mantra: A Micro-action to REFRAME 

Have you ever noticed yourself thinking: “Why does it seem like everyone else has it together?... Nothing I do is good enough... What’s wrong with me?..."

 If you've been following our Parental Burnout series, you know cutting yourself some SLACK can help.

This is a surprisingly powerful micro action. Parents from my self-care and resilience workshops say this is a favorite.

Here's WHY:

Did you know that the voice in your head can either activate stress or act as your ally? We tend to think that being harder on ourselves will help us buck up. But being harsh and critical of yourself has the OPPOSITE effect.

This is real science. Self-compassion pioneer Kristin Neff, PhD found that self-criticism activates the stress response, making us less able to rise to challenges.

When we treat ourselves with the same kindness and care as we'd offer a friend, everything changes.

Self-compassion activates soothing chemicals (like the love. trust / bonding hormone oxytocin) that enhance our ability to face situations with more confidence and resourcefulness.

Here’s HOW:

Try this during tough times - or any time your inner critic is having a field day.

🧡Place your hand on your heart or hold your own hand to stimulate some oxytocin.

Say this mantra to yourself:

🧡"This is hard." - This is about becoming mindfully aware. It's pressing pause to take a step back from the swirl.

🧡"I'm doing my best." - This acknowledges that you're only human, not perfect. Just like the rest of us.

🧡"I'm a good (parent / caregiver / person)." - Even if you're not feeling it, this affirmation plants the seeds for more self-kindness.

🧡 Think about what YOU need in the moment. A drink of water? Fresh air? A few minutes alone?

Try it out. Let me know if it helps!

BODY SCAN - A Micro-action to UNWIND

When I was at the peak (or pit) or exhaustion and stress -worrying about all the issues my child was facing - a practitioner asked,

"Kendra, do you ever feel your feet on the ground as you go about your day?"
As I considered the question, I realized the answer was "NO!"

Here's WHY:

The thing is, we hold so much information in our bodies. When we get in touch with what we're actually feeling, we can learn to work with whatever we find. Difficult feelings pass like clouds in the sky.

The Body Scan is a power tool of Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction. It has been shown in multiple studies to enhance well-being and coping.

It was even found to help parents of kids with behavioral issues feel less stressed and depressed and more optimistic and resilient. It has been a game changer for me.

AND * You can do a micro dose version! * Whether you practice for 45 minutes or 2 minutes, it can help you get out of your head and tune into your body. Over time, you’ll get better at using it to tolerate discomfort and understand what you need.

Here's HOW:

🌱Get comfortable. Take some deep breaths and try to let go of tension.

🌱Scan your body systematically, focusing on one part at a time, moving up from toes to head.

🌱Bring a sense of curiosity, noticing and relaxing around any intense sensations rather than encouraging them.

🌱Now bring your awareness to your whole body as you take a few more deep breaths.

Reach Out and Find Your People: CONNECT

Part of preventing burnout and taking care of yourself is making sure you don't suffer alone.

It can be tempting to isolate when it feels like other people don't understand.

But the reality is our well-being depends on social connection.

It takes a village. Not just for your child, but for YOU. If you don't have one, create one for yourself. Even virtual support can help. Asking for help is a strength not a weakness. Finding that one person who can relate to your life, listen without judgment, and offer support, practical suggestions and encouragement can make all the difference. Helping others in need can also help shift your own attitudes.

If you created a support system for yourself, I'd love to hear where yours comes from.

Did it happen organically or on purpose? Do you rely on one close friend in a similar boat or a portfolio of parents and professionals?

Let's share our suggestions so parents who are struggling realize they don't have to do this alone.

Thanks for being part of this series.

If you have any comments or suggestions please share. We want our content to resonate and make a difference.

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* Note: This series is based on parental burnout research led by Moïra Mikolajczak of UCLouvain + work by Lisa Coyne, PhD of McLean Hospital and Harvard Medical School, as well as my own lived-experience. 

** This content is for supportive purposes only. Although it is science based, it is not a substitute for medical or psychological treatment.