Adjusting to Quarantine: When Suddenly You’re the Whole Team

Dear parents and caregivers,

I know right now you are all deluged with big changes, big feelings, too many emails, and probably too much advice. Anxieties are running high. If you have a child (or multiples) struggling with mental health, learning and behavioral issues, or other challenges, you’re feeling the intensity of this global pandemic in spades. This is just a quick note to say we see you, and we are with you.

In this blog, I'm sharing a tried-and-true tool you can use any time to tamp down these overwhelming elements. Many parents who have been in my micro-action self-care workshop say this technique, based on mindful self-compassion, really helps.

As parents and caregivers, it’s so important for us to manage our stress levels so we can be a source of safety and support for our kids. Investing in your own emotional well-being is one of the best things you can do for your family. I hope you experiment with this technique, and I invite you to check out other impactful micro-actions for self-care on our site. Each small step you take to bolster yourself will make a difference.

And remember that social connection (virtual as it must be) is an important part of supporting our mental health. Seeking tiny touch points with others is good for you—even if you feel like hiding out!

With deep care and wishes that you and yours remain safe and well,

Kendra

1. Acknowledge this is hard.

Your world has turned upside down, and everyone in the family has to adjust. Many of us rely on the routine of school or the support of outside services to help our kids throughout the days. Having kids stuck at home is A LOT; suddenly you’re the whole “team”.

Believe me, we’re all scrambling to find a new normal.

Most parents I’ve talked to say they aren’t sleeping well. As we try to manage all the extra responsibilities and make sense of the swirl of internal emotions, our kids are also trying to make sense of theirs, and sometimes the way they express their needs is unpleasant.

This is not your everyday challenge. It’s a global pandemic. It’s a radical change. Instead of expecting everything to be smooth, become mindful of your suffering. Say to yourself, “This is hard” or use whatever words work for you. One mom told me she says to herself, “Yes, this totally freakin’ sucks.” Open yourself up to reality so you can adjust.

2. Give yourself grace—you’re human!

I keep reading about all the potential silver linings here: Now we have a chance to connect better with our families, be more present with our kids, clear out our closets, reorganize file drawers, learn something new! This might be the case; I hope it is. But be careful not to let all these ideas create an expectation that you should be doing even MORE or that you’re not doing enough.

This is not an added opportunity to push productivity. It’s time to lower expectations of yourself and you kids. Sometimes less is more. Go gently.

Give yourself permission to fumble. Don’t stress about being a brilliant homeschooler, slipping screen time, or your kids’ questionable snack choices. Don’t blame yourself if your kids are going sideways or regressing in certain ways. Growth isn’t a straight line.

Forget about how you compare to all those other “perfect” families—they’re imaginary! Everyone has something they’re trying to manage. This quote by Anne Lamott sums it up: “Never compare your insides to everyone else’s outsides.” Find what feels right for your family. Whatever makes sense for your children. Whatever allows you the mental and emotional space to be okay for the next few months. 

3. Tell yourself, “I am enough. I can do this.”

I’m a big fan of affirmations, and self-compassionate ones are surprisingly empowering. What would you say to a dear friend who was having a hard time? Probably not, “Suck it up!” I’d guess you’d be more likely to say, “You’re a good mom!” So say that to yourself.  Even if you don’t quite believe it, you’ll be planting the seed for more compassion. Every word you choose in your self-talk can make a difference.

Research by Kristin Neff shows that self-compassion soothes your system with the love hormone oxytocin, enhancing your ability to face situations with more resourcefulness and confidence.

The Quick Wrap

Based on these three steps, here’s a self-compassion mantra you can tell yourself whenever you need it:

“This is hard. I’m doing what feels right for us. I’m a good mom/dad.”

Give yourself some TLC. NO guilt. It’s not just for you, after all. Ask yourself what YOU need to stay strong, patient, and compassionate.

What fills your cup is personal. What you need might vary by the day. Maybe you take a walk around the block or a timeout in the closet. Go outside and gaze at the stars. Get a drink of water. Take a few deep breaths or a bath if possible. Escape with a favorite song in your earbuds. Text a friend who makes you laugh. Do anything that restores you, so you can be the caregiver you want and need to be.

You can make a profound shift in your capacity to cope by treating yourself with compassion. And when you feel better, your whole family will pick up on the vibe.

Note about the puppy photo: Did you know that gazing into your dog’s eyes can activate the love hormone oxytocin? Add that to your self-compassion practice!